INTERVIEWS I FACED

                                                            THE INTERVIEWS

Interviews are always considered as the castle of horrors, but for me these are nothing but capsules of humor.

My tryst with interviews started with mu sigma.

MU SIGMA
after successfully completing my written test, I was lucky to be called for the GD or the group discussion. Otherwise what I call the general disagreement. Head held high (six point two feet high) I and five others entered the room. Topic “education being commercialized”. Studying in a govt. college with 6200 bucks per year, and 15000 yearly scholarship my ideas were dim. I waited for others, my first mistake.

Others waited for nobody. They started like babbling baboons. The computer science guys with their regular NDTV and aaj tak knowledge were pouring cats and dogs. The mech guys countered every logic with their no nonsense stupidities. Well India is a democratic and everyone knows Indian parliament. I was like prime minister sitting calm as I could; thinking that I would earn brownie point for my integrity. A girl also was in my predicament.

     Some ‘benevolent’ guy from mech said “let’s give the lady a chance”. Everybody agreed disappointed that they lost chance to impress. Dog eating dog scenario. The girl filled with confidence parroted everything that both sides said. Even the GD conductor was topsy-turvy on what she wanted to tell. Nobody said ‘let’s give the gentleman a chance’. I never spoke. Three of those in the group were selected. Benevolent guy, lady and I were NOT in it. My first interview or rather GD of MU SIGMA remained an enigma in my life.

ABB

The test was supposed to be completed in one hour. I gave my paper in 5 minutes. Not that I was brilliant or something. The questions were so hard that my mind had hit rock bottom. I completed my test with guess options, without even looking at many questions! One of my friends was caught browsing internet. I think maybe he was bored of those stupid questions.

I walked out of the hall slow paced like in action movie. My mouth filled with bitter ash of failure. I went room messaged to some curious friends in some stupid metaphor that interview was like sour grapes or something like that. Later I got the news that I was selected. Some guys who don’t believe in stories that some people get into engineering college by marking answers without even looking in question paper. Dude I would have supported you till now. In alchemist, it’s called beginners luck. And it does soon run out.

 For the interview 10 of us were called Bangalore. I prepared some basic stuff in civil engineering. But I had hard time memorizing the full form of ABB. I felt that if I could possibly ever expand the acronym in front of them they would come to my home and give job.

            We were via train to Bangalore. We had to get to chevron hotel. It was my first time I had actually entered a three star hotel. Chevron hotel staff greeted us kindly and led us to our rooms. I thought ‘great hospitality’. Later we saw their real specialty.

            The room was amazing. My favorite being the toilet. A jet pipe did the karma that the left hand used to do. It was intriguing. European toilet was never my specialty, but I did like the jet pipe luxury. A life size mirror, fluffy bed, AC. A luxury we happily enjoyed. The bottles of red bulls, edible and snacks were staring at us, but we resisted. Later some guys, who could not, ended up giving twice the MRP. We were happy at our will power.

            The first round was the tech round. That night we had all brought some books. We studied and discussed some of the possible questions. Then we went to relish food. I always wanted to see what the starred hotels served. I imagined all sort of heavenly food in master chef. Surprise! The same chapatti, chicken, ice cream and colored rice. Each color represented different species of rice. I took the endangered ones called the Kashmiri rice. Apart from the yellow color, I found no specialty. Our team hunted for more protein and the carbohydrate took back seat. Shame was a rare trait in CETIANs. After we stuffed ourselves we retired into our rooms.

                        Interview day

            We went to the ABB room in bus like local nawabs. We were dressed like a Google CEO or something. We were very strict about the ties. We had brought the ties and we must wear it. But only two guys knew how to do it. They helped us sincerely.

            I had my own arrangements done. Back in Kerala, my two good hostel mates had accompanied me to buy the interview dress. They bargained up the best formals I could ever lay my hands on. By the time bargain was over, night had engulfed the earth. I had to board the train the next day. Now we went for the shoes. At that time we could only spot a shop open. Till then the shop keeper was busy killing those innocent urban educated mosquitoes. Nobody cared to visit his shop.

We stepped in and he flashed a vicious smile. We tried all the shoes and finally came up two of right size. I bought the lee cooper shoes. I shelled 2500 bucks for it. It was my friend’s suggestion that a top brand always upped my chance in interview. Any ways not being on the beautiful side, I had to keep my props at the best.  Later those shoes were going to be my Achilles heel. My hair was grown up. My friends asked “arree are you going with this hair. They forced me to cut the hair. We went to the barbershop, where the barber with his smooth talk had slayed them leaving their dwarf successor. I looked into the mirror. A round head earlier was converted to oval one. With an ear to ear smile, I could have been easily mistaken for a cracked DODO egg.

            The ABB building was a huge imposing glass structure. The security guards were of top class. They took photos of us in the web camera and allotted ID cards. We entered the massive building. Already flabbergasted, we were escorted to the large hall. All I could see was a massive army of formal shirts giggling and conversing. What the hell! There was no way we could beat them all. In the hall we were asked to fill various forms. Then we waited eternity for our turn. A beautiful song, (which now I despise) and a video were repeated millions of time. If I ever had gotten into that company, the music would have been my dial up tone. We carefully watched the video and again I memorized the company’s full form, CEO’s name. The company’s objective was environmental protection, sustainability etc. I had already mugged many such words.

            Then came ours turn. The first guy from our college went and was selected. He came back and told us all that was asked. Questions were like

            Why ABB?

            What’s your career objective?

            Where is your native place?

Where will you like to work?

Do you like designing or field work?

What is your hobby?

Do you know what your role in the organization will be?

Tech question’s like------

What is pile?

What is shear diagram for two equal loading system?

What is the diagram of simply supported cantilever?

When is DMC?

What is the maximum reinforcement in column, beam etc?

            He replied everything and later she asked whether he had any questions?

He had asked ‘why do we use T section in the bridges?’ the interviewer could not reply!

Well the question was asked to him in the IOC interview and He couldn’t reply; and now he had his revenge and revenge is sweet.

After few other guys, came my turn.

I was escorted into a cabinet by the beautiful girl. I knocked the door.

‘May I come in ‘

‘Yes you can.’

 I opened the door. In front me was a plump woman, I smiled and she said ‘do want coffee?’

Ok now flash back mode

My seniors had conducted a seminar earlier before the recruitment. They had told about this electrical topper who was attending a PSU interview. It was late afternoon and the interviewer asked him

‘How are you feeling’?

He replied ‘hungry’!!

Okay here is lunch box you can have some chapatti.

He took half of chapatti from box and offered half to the interviewer!!!!!;

Anyway he never got selected. I always thought that he was such a stupid. Little did I know that latter I was destined to follow his pious footsteps. Now let’s go back to my interview.

I remembered and said ‘no thanks’

she went out for the coffee, came back and started sipping cafe in front of me. I was sweating profusely, like a malaria patient.

She asked ‘why are sweating so much?’

“India is a tropical country”

Well usually I am introvert guy, but I have this extreme personality disorder when it comes to interviews, girls, booze and under pressure. Well what happens when three of them come together?

Welcome to Dr. Hannibal lector.

She smiled and said ‘okay but you are in AC’?

‘Is it working’; I swallowed hard. My candid personality showed up at wrong time. I thought that I had already lost the job. Well evidently I had to endure much more.

Okay now why ABB?

I told her about all that environmental sustainability, that I am environmental man etc and she said

 ‘This is the same answer I am hearing since the start of the day’.

   So do you like field work or design work?

‘Field work’, looking at her I knew that she knew nothing about field work!

I was right. She asked about –

Types of piles

Different shear and bending diagrams

How do you measure amount of steel in field

Design details of splices, columns, beams

I answered many correctly, at last she asked do you have any question; a green signal, I was happy and asked

‘Why do we use T section in the bridges?’

She laughed and replied

 ’what’s with you people, the four guys before you asked me the same question’ and I don’t know the answer.

Then afraid of losing my job I asked her

 ’why do cantilever gets crack when it is propped’

 I had the question from some IIT quiz which my friends had told me. And she did not know answer. I was satisfied.

 ‘With question I meant any question about the company’ and not questions which we are supposed to ask you.

I replied ‘no madam’

 ‘Okay do you know what we are supposed to do here?’

‘Environmental sustainability, green building and environmental friendly errrrr…..No madam’

 Then I take it as your question which I can answer. We make foundation of steel tower, geotechnical and blah! Blah! Blah!.....

Thank you shiju nice talking to you…..

And I got selected.

So was the ten of us.

Then we went back to the chevron hotel in ABB sponsored cab. Now the chevron hotel had this special room service we were yet to see. At dusk when we were not in our rooms, they would pack our belongings; watch, pants everything in plastic bags. Than those were kept for display outside at the reception.

            Obviously we were very annoyed. One guy had even asked ‘why the hell have you noted our phone nos. , you could have just phoned us?’

            This happened every day. After the dusk, we would collect our belongings and would be shown a new disinfected room. I call it ‘three starred every day disinfection syndrome!!’

            Once even our formals were wrinkled. We asked pressing of our formals and they said 50 rs per cloth for the service. 3 stars means three times the normal chrge. I gave 50 rs for shirt and fifty for pants. They pressed and gave back. I checked the clothes. Not even one wrinkle was straightened out. Hell no! Even 5 year old could have done better than that. They replied ’even if we press the shirts millions of time the wrinkles won’t go away’.

            What do you mean man 100 rs for what, tour in the press room? They went away. One of my friends suggested ‘may be its ironing and not the pressing we should do’. ’what’s the difference’. Again we called and asked ‘how much for ironing?’

They said ‘there is no ironing service’. The room service was getting in my nerves. Later they gave us the iron box to iron ourselves.

            I seriously doubt the hotel accreditation agency. First they wrinkle our shirts and then they hand us the iron box as if it was our mistake. Any way we ironed and the dress were tip top.

            Then we ate food. This time we were restrained. Earlier batches from our colleges had completed their first round. They told us various things topic for GD which was ‘to rank different malice of our country like ’corruption, poverty etc ‘and discuss.

            Then we came back and decided to practice. They all started, and like in mu sigma I could not say anything. My friends coaxed me to tell something. I was hopeless. GD was never my thing. Any way after the hopeless practice we went to the bed. Before sleeping, I thought that I could not make any impact until I speak first.

            I spent a sleepless night. In morning we went to the same ABB complex. This time we were given schedule of three tests. First one was the personal interview followed by marketing test and at the end the GD.

We were made to sit in a hall with paper, pens of different colors, charts and asked to prepare for the marketing test while waiting for the personal interview. My aim in marketing test was that being a sales man of some small toy company, I had to make business with the big toy company. I had to do presentation cajoling the executives of the big toy company.

            However while doing the preparation of charts; I was called for the personal interview.

            I was escorted by the HR interviewer herself. My alter ego Dr. Hannibal sat down and was all smiles. She had writing pad in her hands and she was writing all sorts of things. She started

            ‘When was the last time you showed leadership qualities?’

            Madam, I was the captain of the basket ball team (a total lie, actually I was never even a substitute in a team; all I had done was to pick up basket ball that went outside the play area and give it to the guys. And when they were not playing the match, I would throw from different positions. Any way that was the only sport whose rules I knew.)

            ‘Apart from that?’

            I was survey camp leader {not because of merit or something. I was just chosen in a lot with another girl leader. I was the lousiest leader in the world. In fact when it came to report writing and contour preparation, I slipped like an eel. I contacted nobody till I knew the report was over. My poor team members had to do everything. And they did it with grace)

            ‘What was your work in it?”

            I had to oversee the work, make sure the team was in schedule, and prepare all the reports, check all instruments were in order. [Universal truth about lie. When you have started it, you have to pile on like municipal dump waste].

                ‘And what was your team mates’ opinion about you?’

                ‘They said that I was a hard task manager’. [Yeah sure! if it wasn’t for group’s dedication, I would be writing sequel for ‘five point someone’]

                ‘And what was the opinion of basket ball team mates?’

            ‘Well madam the team consisted of different cultural groups and there problems between them, I negotiated. I had calming influence. [This was true in a way. The school team was worthless. Even with pretty tall and strong sawdust filled bull boys, we lost awfully lot. They used to take out anger at me and two other weaklings. We were substitutes for the substitutes. We were entertainment to them, and calmed their foolhardy nerves. It was far better than the cricket and foot ball tortures.]

            ‘What is the thing that you have regretted doing in your life?’

            ‘Pointing at my shining shoes, I said buying my lee cooper shoes?’ holy Mary! ‘What I meant is, I regret my spendthrift nature’, and I made whole lot of nice things to reverse the damage. I saw a smirk in her face and was sure the damage was already done.

            Thank you shiju, good luck.

I concentrated on the management test. I prepared all the graphs, beautiful diagrams. I was called. This time there were two of them. I hung up the chart paper on the chart holder. I began my Mahabharata about the toys. When I was talking, I was jumping like a frog. They stared hard. I became self-conscious. I put a hold on that and continued.

            I poured out pure’ IIPM Aridham Chauduri shit’. The interviewer was yawning uncontrollably. Then he religiously showed me his Timex watch. I concluded, said thanks and left the room. One more test. Don’t screw this up.

            GD was in other hall. All the guys who encouraged me last night was with me sitting in a round table. so were some other friends of mine who were from other department.

            This time there were four or five interviewers seated. We were given the topic.

‘You have to rank the following malice in our country and discuss

            Corruption

            Poverty

            Population explosion

            Pollution etc etc.

I had the plan in the mind. I had to begin first. After giving instructions the HR dudes sat back.

All the guys eyed the person they thought would give them a good start. They were in for a surprise. I kick started and ended up putting foot in every body’s job.

            I ranked all the malice in a particular order, said pros and cons, related all social and political aspect and ended up speaking up for two thirds of allotted 45 minutes. I concluded, ending my verbal massacre, smiling and looking at everybody and asked “what are your opinion guys”

                HR dudes were in for a riot. Some giggled and gurgled. I noticed nobody. The original kick start guy was first to regain his consciousness from this onslaught. [Actually we had for e.g. rank corruption first and reach a consensus and then rank next malice and like that proceed. I had misunderstood and ended doing the whole thing myself.}

            The original kicker had understood and steered the GD toward the right way. It was too late.10 minutes for the remaining 10 persons. Do the math. We finished ending like Indian track athletics in Olympics; reaching nowhere.

            At last the GD had ended and I had spoken first and farthest. I thought it was over.

            To add injury to insult or vice versa, HR said ’it was pleasure with you guys. Do you have any questions?”

            I said ‘why was no girls selected in the written test”

            May be they did not clear cutoff”

            And I murmured “they were many lot better than us”

What is this man! When did I become a feminist? Obviously if they were allowed I wouldn’t be here in the first place”

I knew everything was over. Apocalypse now.

GD was over. We met outside. Everybody congratulated me sarcastically on my splendid performance. And I thanked them meekly. One had even quipped ’dude, if you get selected, I am going to do this in all my interviews”. Well it was very reassuring.

Afterwards, I felt like DR. Lector in ‘silent lambs’. My mouth should have been kept sealed with a machine, so that I could do no harm.

We came back and result was announced. Four of us were selected. Three of them were fortunate of not being in my group. As you guessed, the fourth guy was the GD kicker.

            When I came to know about the result, I was disappointed and slept over it. The night mare was over. Well that’s what I thought until the next interview came.

ACCENTURE

Next was the bulk recruiting companies. They were brought in two phases. Companies famous in India came in first round. Not so famous came in second d round. These companies make 100%placement in our college possible.

I easily cleared the test paper, which was easier than my sister’s 1 ^st class admission test. Oh my god! I st class admission test is so tough. Even I, in sixth at that time was not able to answer many questions. ‘who was the first Muslim PM in India? Which is the ship of the dessert?” were some of the many.

            No points for guessing now, because first standard guys know this. Later some of these guys complete their engineering from IIT with heavy GPA, start studying NCERT 10^th social science text books for IAS. And after becoming IAS, some of them learn what they learnt in kindergarten ’honesty is the best policy.’ But this time in Tihar jail.

            My interview fear was gone. One of the mediocre question in many interviews are” why Accenture, why this company?”.And everybody was parroting their supposed answers.

            ‘Why not Accenture?’

            “It’s the best IT Company to work with’”

            “The motto is high performance delivered; I want to deliver high performance”

“I like serving foreign people. Like in British rule, my ancestors worked like mindless poor donkeys. Now I work like mindless donkey with internet and land phone.”

“I would like to go to US and start blaming India for its lack of culture and cleanliness. India is not up to my social status”

They were making every sort of answer filled with sarcasm. I knew they had no spine in them when they faced interviewers.